Forgiveness Is For YOU - Overcome Trauma Through Forgiveness

S1E13 Pockets of Joy in the Midst of Suffering

In this episode, I discuss how we can make ourselves receptive to joy amid our suffering and how we can use our suffering for the good of others. I discuss the four levels of Happiness in Fr. Robert Spitzer’s book, Finding True Happiness and give three tips for how to cultivate receptivity to joy: 1. Stop, 2. Drop and 3. Rock & Roll. I mention the song Jerusalema as one of my favorites to dance to when I am opening myself up to receive joy. 
I refer to the Laughing Jesus image and wonder what Jesus' laughter sounds like. 
We can have joy in the midst of suffering. 
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Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.

S1E12 Overcoming Shame in the Forgiveness Process

In this episode, I discuss the emotion of shame, the third core emotion we might experience in the forgiveness process. In recent history, shame researcher Brene Brown has made headlines around the world as she exposed this gnarly emotion and its effects on the human psyche and relationships. I focus not so much on the research but speak directly to shame concerning the forgiveness of self.
I explain the Christian understanding of the origin of shame and talk about what happens in the mind when we experience shame.
Finally, I give tips on how to develop the courage to become vulnerable, and to have empathy for ourselves in the process of self-forgiveness.
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Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.

Eww that's disgusting! 5 Ways to Approach Disgust in the Forgiveness Process

Disgust is an oft-overlooked emotion in the healing of trauma and deciding to forgive. Moral disgust is the reaction to a physical reaction towards a person who violated the moral code, such as sexual, verbal, or physical abuse and betrayal in a relationship.
If we are to forgive ourselves, we will need to take a good, hard look at how disgust is showing up in our thoughts and is manifested in our bodies.
When disgust is internalized, we have a visceral reaction to our own thoughts, emotions, and actions.
When disgust is externalized, we hyperfocus on one or two aspects of the offender and define them as a “disgusting person” based on their behavior.
Recognize that feeling disgust is part of the healing journey and you are not wrong for feeling it toward yourself or the other person. It’s a natural reaction to a moral injustice. Avoid judging yourself for feeling disgusted.
References: Pope St. John Paul II Theology of the Body 
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Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.
 

S1E10 Emotions in Forgiveness: Anger

It’s important to understand how our emotions can help us heal or keep us stuck in unforgiveness. In this episode, I talk about the role of anger in the forgiveness process. I make the distinction between the state of anger and the emotion of anger.
We can allow ourselves to be in a state of anger, but not for too long. When we allow the emotion of anger to morph into a state of being, we become an angry person and our tendency toward sin increases. We can allow ourselves to experience the emotion of anger and decide to use that emotion to move us toward healing.
Emotions are neutral, they are neither good nor bad. They just are. It’s what we do with them that matters. Our senses receive information and engage our imagination which informs our thoughts and leads to emotions, which can be governed by our will.
Anger’s motivation is a desire for justice, but I can show up vicious or virtuous in my anger. If my anger compels me to take action towards a good, then it’s tempered by reason. If I understand that my anger is righteous and forgiveness is for me, not the offender, my anger can help me move forward to co-create a new reality with Christ. 
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Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.

S1E9 Is Retelling My Trauma Story Helpful or Harmful?

In this episode, I examine how our thoughts, words, and actions in unforgiveness can result in sin that we may not even be aware of committing. I also caution against advice I was given in the early stages of my recovery from sexual abuse.
The advice I got was to retell my story in all the minute detail to anyone who would listen, with the understanding that validation cures trauma. However, with each retelling of my stories, I was strengthening the neural networks in my brain that held the trauma. I was making myself sicker by reliving the trauma with each retelling. 
We know now about neuroplasticity and the ability to form new neural networks through mind-body modalities in addition to the healing we receive through our relationship with God. As the term neuroplasticity indicates, our brains are not static, what we think and believe and how we behave as a result can change, and with it, the structures in the brain that hold those thoughts and memories can also change. We can’t change the circumstances, but we can change our thoughts and behavior about the circumstances to help us move through the pain to a healthier version of ourselves.
I also sinned against God in how I retold my stories and formed judgments about my offenders, failing to see how my judgments hardened my heart in unforgiveness. By recognizing which sins I was committing, I was able to take full responsibility for how to respond rather than react to my trauma and make space for God to heal me. 
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Connect with me as your forgiveness guide at www.drcarron.com. I will hold space for you as your Christian Life Coach as you work through your pain and rewrite your story. Sign up HERE for a discovery call.
Not ready for coaching? Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness Self-Guided Mini-Audio Retreat. 
Email me at info@drcarron.com to schedule a speaking engagement at your church or small faith-sharing group.
Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.
 

S1E8 Is Loving Our Enemies Forgiveness?

In this episode, I am tackling the belief that “good” Christians have to forgive because God tells us to love our enemies. But is loving the same as forgiving?  So many Christians who are still in the process of working through forgiveness get trapped in unhealthy relationships because they feel guilty about not loving their enemies as Jesus exhorts us to do in Matthew 5: 43-45. Victims are often strongly encouraged to re-engage in relationships with offenders as their Christian duty to forgive. 
I challenge two concepts in this belief, (1) what it means to be a “good” Christian and (2) what it means to love our enemies.
It is well and good to have standards, but when we start to define Christianity by a set of rules instead of a relationship with our triune God, we are missing the boat. It’s time to get back to basics. Drop the “good” in front of Christian and sit at the foot of the Master, Jesus Christ. In Luke 18 v. 19, the rich official calls Jesus a good teacher, and He responds, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone.” We cannot earn grace. Forgiveness heals us and it frees us, but it has to be an act that is done in freedom and never under duress. Making someone believe that they somehow don’t make the cut as a “good Christian” to get them to forgive is manipulative and should stop.
The love that Jesus refers to in Matthew 5: 43-45 is agape love, the love that God infuses into our hearts when we are in a relationship with Him. It’s the love that Saint Paul refers to in 1 Corinthians 13 that bears all things. Jesus gives us a way to express that love by saying, “...pray for those who persecute you” Simply put, praying for our enemies is loving them. Do we need to be in a close relationship with someone when we pray for them? Absolutely not.
Are we supposed to tolerate behavior that insults our inherent dignity? NO. Jesus himself stated in Matthew 18:6, “Woe to the one by whom the stumbling block comes” about those who would tempt us to sin” What Jesus is asking of us here is to follow his lead and be merciful. But what does being merciful mean?
It doesn’t mean we have to submit to manipulation or abuse. We can love from a distance.
If you are in a situation where harm has been perpetrated against you, and you feel guilty for not having forgiven the offender and pressure from others to forgive, know this. You have free will. God respects your free will. He will never ask you to do something He has not already allowed His Son to suffer and redeem.
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Connect with me as your forgiveness guide at www.drcarron.com. I will hold space for you as your Christian Life Coach as you work through your pain and rewrite your story. Sign up HERE for a discovery call.
Not ready for coaching? Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness Self-Guided Mini-Audio Retreat. 
Email me at info@drcarron.com to schedule a speaking engagement at your church or small faith-sharing group.
Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.
 

S1E7 How to Say, "I'm Sorry" and Mean It

Today’s episode is about how we learn to forgive, what we can do to unlearn some bad forgiveness habits, and how to make a sincere apology.
We are social beings and human brains develop in community. From a very young age, we observe how adults in our homes behave toward one another. We copy their behavior, but we are also directly impacted when we are instructed to do as they say.
How we learn to forgive has a direct impact on our relationships throughout life. Forgiveness requires words and actions. Some of us believe that if they say they’re sorry without actually owning what they are sorry for it should be OK so relationship issues never get resolved and we end up with what marriage and family therapist Dr. John Gottman calls perpetual problems.
We can tap into the graces we receive through the Sacraments and allow Christ to enter into the places where we need to forgive and be forgiven. 
A sincere apology does not contain any conditions, most especially the conjunction “if”. It shouldn’t put the victim on the defensive or leave room for doubt. For example, Don’t say, I’m sorry IF I did X. The truth is, I did what you did, and it impacted someone else negatively. Instead, say something like I did X to you, and I can see how much it hurts you, and I am sorry. What can I do to make it better? Describe in sufficient detail what you did so that the victim feels validated in their experience, but not so much detail that the victim re-experiences the injury. Allow the victim to respond to the apology in the way they feel is appropriate without trying to control the outcome. 
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Connect with me as your forgiveness guide at www.drcarron.com. I will hold space for you as your Christian Life Coach as you work through your pain and rewrite your story. 
Not ready for coaching? Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness Self-Guided Mini-Audio Retreat. 
Email me at info@drcarron.com to schedule a speaking engagement at your church or small faith-sharing group.
Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.
 

S1E6 Self Forgiveness & Internal Family Systems

In today’s episode, I discuss how Internal Family Systems Therapy is one way to uncover the parts of ourselves that carry blame and shame in our unforgiveness of self.
Forgiving ourselves is in line with the second commandment, to love our neighbor as ourselves. Loving ourselves as God loves us requires fully accepting who He created us to be. We cannot extend to others what we cannot do for ourselves.
Shame and blame are tango partners in keeping us stuck in unforgiveness of self.
When it comes to forgiving ourselves, we must be ready, willing, and able to face, love, and accept the parts of us that carry the shame attached to the memory of what transpired.
Internal Family Systems Therapy, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, might help identify the parts of us that need to be relieved of shame and blame in the process of forgiveness. I share a personal story of a protective part of me that caused the rupture of a lifelong friendship.
I read the entry Right Judgment story in my book With You Always: A Journey with Jesus
Self-forgiveness means we allow ourselves to be fully seen and known and let go of the shame and guilt we feel about our actions. 
If this podcast resonates with you, please subscribe.
Write a review, share the link with a friend, take a screenshot, and share it on your social media.
Connect with me as your forgiveness guide at www.drcarron.com. I will hold space for you as your Christian Life Coach as you work through your pain and rewrite your story.
Not ready for coaching? Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness Self-Guided Mini-Audio Retreat. 
Email me at info@drcarron.com to schedule a speaking engagement at your church or small faith-sharing group.
Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.
 

S1E5 What Forgiveness Is Not

Today’s episode, What Forgiveness Is Not, is the fourth in a four-part series called Understanding Forgiveness. In today’s episode, I discuss what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not a one-time event we have to do it over and over and over sometimes for years before we can actually say that we have forgiven the person.
Forgiveness not for the offender, it is for you, to set your heart free from holding on to the emotional bonds and the memory that you have connected to the offender.
Forgiveness is not accountability for someone else. We may never be able to hold the offender accountable. They might not even be aware that they've done anything wrong to us, so the possibility of holding them accountable may not always be available. 
Forgiveness also does not erase the consequences for myself or the offender. If we need to ask for forgiveness, that other person may never want to speak to us, see us, or have anything to do with us ever again. In contrast, we may never receive justice. We do have a responsibility to pursue criminal justice if we are aware that the person is still causing harm, especially to protect minors.
Forgiveness is not forgetting or erasing the memories of what happened to us.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We may never have the opportunity to reconcile with the other person and we may not want to reconcile. There are exceptions. We can have reconciliation with that part of us that was hurt. It can be healed and integrated into our whole being. We can also have reconciliation with God.
Forgiveness is also not a disempowered state. When we decide to forgive, we're taking back our power and that gives us more agency over how we are going to interact with that person and that's where boundaries come in.
Forgiveness is not dehumanizing the other person. When we forgive, we have to broaden our view to perceive that person in their entirety because God created that person or those people and he did not create them as a monster or an entity that doesn't have full human dignity.  
This concludes our four-part series, Understanding Forgiveness. I hope you will join me next episode as we explore how who we are impacts how we forgive.
If this podcast resonates with you, please subscribe.
Write a review, share the link with a friend, take a screenshot, and share it on your social media.
Connect with me as your forgiveness guide at www.drcarron.com. I will hold space for you as your Christian Life Coach as you work through your pain and rewrite your story. Sign up HERE for a discovery call.
Not ready for coaching? Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness Self-Guided Mini-Audio Retreat. 
Email me at info@drcarron.com to schedule a speaking engagement at your church or small faith-sharing group.
Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.

S1E4 What Forgiveness Is Part 3

Today’s episode is the third in a four-part series called Understanding Forgiveness. In today’s episode, I discuss seven more distinct characteristics of forgiveness.
Forgiveness requires supernatural love – what we call agape love. This is the type of love with which God loves us and is made available to us through participation in the Sacraments. Forgiveness frees us to love more abundantly.
Forgiveness is an opportunity to reconcile ourselves with God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church # 2844 states that forgiveness is "...a high point of Christian prayer. Forgiveness also bears witness that, in our world, love is stronger than sin…Forgiveness is the fundamental condition of the reconciliation of the children of God with their Father and of men with one another." Forgiveness is the fulfillment of the first and second commandments, to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves.
Premature forgiveness blocks healing. Before true forgiveness can happen, there is work to be done. “The survivor must first develop a full understanding of the moral questions of guilt and responsibility and reconstruct a system of belief that makes sense of her undeserved suffering…” (Judith Herman, M.D., Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of Violence from domestic abuse to political terror). The victim must first determine what belongs to whom in order not to take on any guilt, shame, or residual consequences that belong to the perpetrator.
Forgiveness requires humility. A major roadblock to forgiveness is pride. Humble forgiveness recognizes that we are all human, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23 ESV). We recognize that we are created equal in dignity, and only God knows the whole story.
Forgiveness requires goodwill – the desire to do God’s will in everything, forgiving the offender with a pure heart. God’s will is for me to forgive so that He can in turn forgive me freely. When I am lacking in goodwill, I may not desire to forgive someone because it seems like my life is so much worse off than theirs. I want them to suffer the same way that I am suffering. It’s a constant battle within my own heart to let go and let God heal me.
Forgiveness can be vengeful when we use it as a form of manipulation to get the offender to do what we want them to do. We are willing to forgive, but only if certain conditions exist. I forgave you for doing X so you should do Y for me and an unhealthy, unequal dynamic ensues in the relationship. This type of false forgiveness creates a superficial relationship where trust is compromised. Forgiveness becomes a weapon or a shield with which I am willing to protect myself at all costs. It sets up a cycle of offense and false forgiveness.
We cannot truly extend forgiveness to others if we cannot first forgive ourselves. Forgiveness of self requires self-compassion, self-love, not in a self-centered way, but in the way that God loves us, unconditionally. Self-forgiveness is often the most difficult act of the will we can engage in. I will be devoting an entire future episode to forgiveness of self.
This concludes our episodes on what forgiveness is. I hope you will join me next episode to learn more about what forgiveness is NOT.
If this podcast resonates with you, please hit subscribe below.
Write a review, share the link with a friend, take a screenshot, and share it on your social media.
Connect with me as your forgiveness guide at www.drcarron.com. I will hold space for you as your Christian Life Coach as you work through your pain and rewrite your story. Sign up HERE for a discovery call.
Not ready for coaching? Sign up for my 5 Days to Forgiveness Self-Guided Mini-Audio Retreat. 
Email me at info@drcarron.com to schedule a speaking engagement at your church or small faith-sharing group.
Remember Friend, Forgiveness is for You.